Names

By Boris Gilyadov, MD

 

"What's the year?" I asked my new friend, Craig.

It was a beautiful, sunny day. And we were in some sort-of weird lobby with lots of beds and curtains.

"Two thousand fourteen, sir."

"I thought it was somewhere between nineteen thirty two and nineteen seventy two."

"Oh, that's okay."

He looked a bit concerned. Why was I so lost? That's what he was thinking, I'm sure.

"You needed to go to the hospital, sir. So an ambulance was called for you."

"But why? What happened? Where's my family?"

This was just another problem that I didn't need to worry about.

"I don't want to be experimented on, least of all without my consent."

"That will definitely not happen. Let me ask you, what is your name?"

"You don't know it?" I said. I've been here for a good while now. "Call me the whistleblower. Take the top name in the U.S. That's me. Just your average, whistleblower Joe."

"He's hallucinating. Let me go get help. Wait here."

"Who's that?" I asked.

"That was Meg, and this is Greg," he said as he pointed at a young doctor who just walked in. Oddly enough, he had only half of his lab coat on. Then a few more people walked in.

"Hello, sir! I'm a third year student. My name is Juno," she said.

"And I'm Bruno. This is Mark. That's Casey and that's Clark. This is Berry, and this is Mary."

"Yes," I said, "Well, it's also very scary! Why so many? One doc's plenty!"

Darn. Can't they tell that something's wrong? This is all too weird for me, and quickly turning into song.

And they still don't know my name is Quinn Lynn Keegan Kane??

And wasn't that guy smoking outside with those scrubs on just the same? …I remember seeing him as I was wheeled into this joint. Wait a minute…!

"Hey, you guys look familiar," I said to the two doctors in front of me.

"Well, my name is Craig and this is Greg. And Meg will be right back to draw some blood."

"Nice to meet you guys. But I'm fine. I promise. And… why all of you? That's a weird approach, don't you think? I mean, I'm neither surgeon nor a shrink, but I was on the board of trustees of a large medical… Where am I?"

"You're at the hospital."

"How come?"

"We're trying to figure that out ourselves."

Great answer, kid. Thanks a ton!

"Well, what's wrong with me??"

"Your EEG from ninety three showed brainwaves and complexes demonstrating stark aggression toward incompetence with an understandable desire for compassionate care and the establishment of strong rapport. You might be suffering from a condition known as being human. We can't have that here."

"Also," said Sue, "The CAT scan was negative."

~~~

 

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